This year has went by so fast..

So I'm terrible at updating this, oh well!

October 22, 2008 was one of the best days of my life. My sister gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl I've ever laid eyes on. Miss Rylee Sue Johnson was born at 3:58pm weighing 7lb 1oz and she was 19 1/4 inches long with a head full of dark hair. I was so happy that I got to be in the room to watch my niece come into this world. I love that little girl with all of my heart. She is so amazing. Heather and her husband Mitchell will be moving come January to Camp Lejuene and I think my heart it going to break.

Life has been pretty good lately. I have the most wonderful husband in the world, I thank God everyday for bringing Scott into my life.

I still really like my job, it's a challenge and I really enjoy it, I work with some really great girls. I'm waiting on financial aid, but assuming all goes well I will be back in school come January! I'm so excited that I'm finally going back.

Scott and I are getting a house the first of the year!!!! MAN I can't wait! Three bedrooms, two bathrooms, the kitchen and living room are huge! Scott laughs at me because I've already got all my paint colors picked out and I exactly how I want things set up lol. I know I know I'm a dork!

I hate saying this but I really dread the holidays this year. Everything else in my life has been so good, then I think of John and how much I wish he was here. I know Thanksgiving and Christmas is going to be so hard on my entire family especially Uncle John. I wish there was something I could do but nothing is going to ever take that pain away.

I think about the end of December and the fact I should be almost 9 months pregnant and about to have my own precious child. I'm trying not to stress out about it and I know when it's time God will make it happen but it isn't all that easy.

Oh the changes....

So I got a new job at a local hosptial! No more Solantic!! I miss the folks I worked with but that's all I miss from that place! I'm working in a cancer center in the lab. Seeing people who have to deal with chemo, radiation, ect. makes me think maybe my life isn't all that terrible sometimes. I've also decided I'm going back to school! Hopefully in January, to finally get my nursing degree.
On September 11, I was lucky enough to witness the most amazing thing I've ever seen...a live birth! Scott seems to think I'm strange and gross but it was truely the coolest thing I've ever seen. His cousin Michelle gave birth to her 4th child Piper Bree! 11lb 3oz of beautiful baby. Oh and she was 22in long. All the L & D nurses were amazed at how big she was and that her mother birthed her naturally.
I've always been interested in labor and delivery and now I KNOW that once I finish school and become an RN that's were I want to be.
I can't wait for next month when my I get to meet my first niece Rylee Sue! My sister had her 3D/4D ultrasound a week ago Sunday and I got to see Rylee. She def. has Aunt Ashy's nose : D

I'm still sad sometimes, I miss John so much it seems likes everything happened just yesturday. I was leaving the grocery store the other day and I saw a guy in the parking lot who looked like John, it gave me chills and I almost started crying. I miss the baby that Scott and I lost, it's hard everyone I know seems to be pregnant or just gave birth. I'm so happy for those people but I want it myself ya know? I feel guilty for being jealous it's still I guess. But in God's time right?

I forgot this..

I love my friend Summer, she always makes me smile. She's been out of town with her husband celebrating their 2nd anniversary and she got me a card...

Ashley,

I know right now is hard for you. I'm sorry you are so sad! Just know I am here for you and things will get better I promise! God had control. He will lead you to many blessings, I love you.

Summer

I truly am lucky to have her in my life. Thank you Summer!

Trying to move on...

Is it possbile to not ever be able to move on?
It's been two months since everything happened and I feel like it was yesturday.
I miss John so badly. Everytime I drive to work I have to drive past where his accident happened and it breaks my heart. It seems unreal, I keep waiting for him to show up and I wish so badly that he could.
It seems like everyone I've ever met is either pregnant or just gave birth. Saturday while having a birthday party for Wyatt, everyone was sitting around talking about their experiances and their children and I thought I was going to lose it! Then poor Scott comes over and picks up a friends 5 week old daughter and I had to leave the room. I went into the boys room at my MIL's and cried my eyes out.
I just keep thinking that I am suppose to be 17 1/2 weeks right now, THERE IS SUPPOSE TO BE A BABY INSIDE ME!!!!!!!!!! I just want to scream!!!!!
It hurts so much, and I am so angry all the time. I just want to be normal again. I want my pregnancy back. I want John back. I keep praying and I hope that eventually I'll be myself again.

Not being very productive!

So I'm sitting here at work, basically bored to tears!!!! I work in a small urgent care center and it's never busy, at least not when I'm here. I can't stand this I'm use to being busy seeing 70-80 patients a day! It's been such a huge change, one that I'm not really liking. My previous job was in a peds office and I loved it, I miss my kids so much. The best thing about working there is that I learned so much. Now...I've learned how to sit on my ass and do nothing other than get on the nest!

I've put my resume in at a few thousand other offices so maybe I'll get lucky. I'd love to go back to peds or maybe try out OB/GYN, I'd def. learn alot there!

My first time...

I'm 22, just got married this past April. I adore my husband, he means the world to me and he's my biggest supporter! My year so far hadn't been to terribly great other than getting married! And here's why...

I think May was the worst month of my life! May 26th my cousin John was in a car accident and killed. It broke my heart, and my familes. He was the only boy in our family. There isn't a day that goes by that he isn't on my mind. I would give anything in this world to have him back. Growing up we had our differences but what kids don't? Since September things had gotten so much better. I keep replaying the last time I was him in my mind.

I feel so bad that John and Cindy and his mom Lisa have lost their son, and Brooke her brother. I'd give anything if I could take that pain away from them. Our family has already been through so much with that boy and to have it end like this, it just kills me.
John was a great man with a huge heart and a smile on his face for everyone he met. We never left each other without a hug and "I love you". I'm grateful for that.

Thursday May 29th I went to my first OB appointment with a new doctor and found out that I had miscarried. I should have been 9 wks and I was only showing 6 wks and 5 days, there was no heart beat. I have never in my life felt like that. I left the office and went into the parking garage to call Scott, I scared him so bad. I was crying hysterically, I couldn't breathe! Jessica my cousin works across the street from the hosptial and she had to come get me. We hadn't planned for this baby, but we both were so happy. I just couldn't wait to be a mom I think I told everyone I came into contact with that I was pregnant!

My heart still aches and I miss my John and our baby so much. I just keep telling myself that at least he/she is with John in Heaven now. But it's killing me. I'm trying to move on and I know that God has a plan and reason for everything I just wish I knew what it was.
And after all this, I get fired from my job for basically nothing.