My first time...

I'm 22, just got married this past April. I adore my husband, he means the world to me and he's my biggest supporter! My year so far hadn't been to terribly great other than getting married! And here's why...

I think May was the worst month of my life! May 26th my cousin John was in a car accident and killed. It broke my heart, and my familes. He was the only boy in our family. There isn't a day that goes by that he isn't on my mind. I would give anything in this world to have him back. Growing up we had our differences but what kids don't? Since September things had gotten so much better. I keep replaying the last time I was him in my mind.

I feel so bad that John and Cindy and his mom Lisa have lost their son, and Brooke her brother. I'd give anything if I could take that pain away from them. Our family has already been through so much with that boy and to have it end like this, it just kills me.
John was a great man with a huge heart and a smile on his face for everyone he met. We never left each other without a hug and "I love you". I'm grateful for that.

Thursday May 29th I went to my first OB appointment with a new doctor and found out that I had miscarried. I should have been 9 wks and I was only showing 6 wks and 5 days, there was no heart beat. I have never in my life felt like that. I left the office and went into the parking garage to call Scott, I scared him so bad. I was crying hysterically, I couldn't breathe! Jessica my cousin works across the street from the hosptial and she had to come get me. We hadn't planned for this baby, but we both were so happy. I just couldn't wait to be a mom I think I told everyone I came into contact with that I was pregnant!

My heart still aches and I miss my John and our baby so much. I just keep telling myself that at least he/she is with John in Heaven now. But it's killing me. I'm trying to move on and I know that God has a plan and reason for everything I just wish I knew what it was.
And after all this, I get fired from my job for basically nothing.